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| I should probably make this a private post. But since the only people who read this are people who have been with me from the start, I will digress. I have to get something off my chest and I think that is what Xanga was made for.
I have contracted a steadly worsening cocaine habit. It is starting to ruin my life but I cant and dont seem to want to stop. My grades are in the toilet and KU is not the kind of school that will let you continue with shit grades. My woman who i have been with for a year in a half is at her ropes end. I have to sneak money out of our account which we cant afford. Im being kicked out of the army for testing postive for cocaine.
Sometimes I wish I had died in Iraq. Died a hero rather than become this shell of what I am now. The kick in the pants is that my ex wife first turned me on to cocaine. I introduced it to my new girlfriend. Thank god she hated it. One last fuck you from my exwife.
I used to be that kid that everyone called a genius but now Im lucky if i can remember your name.
Im such a self destructive person because I dont value my own life. Im fucked in the head cause I cant get the images of dead soldiers out of my head. I hate my self because I waste a life that those dead kids would have made the most out of. I get drunk and throw beer bottles at the wall . I blame it on the death I saw, but I think its because I feel shame that I lived-am living a wasted life-and those kids with families and morals and a future are dead. I can still see thier bodies covered in white sheets. I always wonder if they were newlyweds, maybe had a baby on the way. It shames me. It shames me more because I let the army down. I didnt do my duty. I tested positive. I cant even call myself a soldier anymore.
I watched Band of Brothers the other day, and I cried through almost every episode because it exposed how horrible of a soldier I was. I feel disgraced. From this day forward no one will ever know I went to Iraq or served in the Army. I lost that right.
I think Ive turned to cocaine because all four shrinks Ive seen talked to me for five minutes and threw pills at me. I dont want pills. I just want someone to listen to me....and not my girlfiend. I feel like a whiner when I talk to her. Like less of a man. Most of the time I think I should man up and quit being a baby. I feel like a baby. But Im also scared that the aggression the Army implanted in me that I hide away is going to come out one day and Im gonna hit her instead of throw a bottle at the wall.
A girl in my platton had to be admitted to VA because we found out she was hitting her head against a wall and cutting herself. I wonder why iraq made us all crazy. I watched my best friend get half his head blown off by a bomb and almost bleed to death in the street. The medivac helicopter couldnt come becuase it was picking up body parts else where. We had to wait on a MASH ambulance. I remember wishing Hawkeye would come out the back.
I was never scared of dying. In fact I expected it every day we were on the road. We were truckers but we saw more action than the infanty. Ill never know how it affected the women. Well besides one.
We used to have mission that would last 36-48 hours. No sleep. I used to burn myslef with cigarettes to stay awake. A habit I brought home cause I stil do it when I get depressed. I have to wear long sleeves now to cover the scars.
I dont know why Im telling you this. I guess I just needed to say it. I feel sick throughout my body, and not the cough cough kind. I miss the old studiorat. I really do. I really really do. I used to like myself but now....I hate the person in the mirror. I guess cocaine is the least of my problems.
Please dont respond with cliched feelings of understanding or advice. Just tell me you listened to what I had to say, and that you miss the old studiorat too. | | |
| Today I had a Biology exam that I didn't really study for. In fact, between the first day of class and the exam I only went to half the classes. However, I am pretty good at taking exams and figured I would get at least an 80%. Well, listen to what happened to me.
We use this shitty clicker system to answer in class questions and record our answers for the exams. It works like a game show clicker in that while taking the test, you push the appropriate letter of the multiple choice answer you select and press "send". The computer in the front of the class records all the students answers and pretty much grades all the exams in real time. Well we all got an email from our professor stating that as soon as she ended the test on her computer, the program crashed and all data was lost and unrecoverable. She gave all 850 students a 100%. Unfortunately, now we have to take the remaining exams using those shitty scantrons.
But really, how lucky am I? However, in all fairness I looked at the answer key and I would have scored an 88% anyway. | | |
| So I have a few weeks left until school starts again. So far I haven't done a single thing on my vacation. I feel so useless.
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| Have you ever been in a bar that contains a jukebox? Have you ever been having a drink listening to some really good music and feeling the vibe of the place? Have you ever had some asshole ruin the vibe by playing some asinine shitty song because they they are drunk and have no taste?
I live in a college town that is decidedly not lame. The bars around town have jukeboxes whose song selection is 97% quality music spanning the past four decades. However, every jukebox has that one or two shitty song that sticks out like a pimple on your nose.
examples
Macarena - Los Del Rio
I touch myself - The Divinyls
The devil went down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels
Any song they made - Limp Bizkit
Kokimo - The Beach Boys
Any song she made - B. Spears (Let's throw C. Aguilera, and Fergie in there as well)
You get the point.......
Here's the deal. If you are going to put money in the jukebox, have some respect for the rest of the patrons in the bar. It is a privilege to play music at a bar and it is your duty, nay...your responsibility to keep the status quo when playing music. You must pick songs that would not look ridiculous on the soundtrack to that very moment in that bar should it be made into another shitty sitcom on the CW.
Do not let me be sitting in a dark bar drinking a pint of micro beer jamming to Johnny Cash only to be floored when I hear the opening beats of Whoop! There it is! The juke box is not your personal iPod. We don't care how funny you think it is to have you and your drunk friends dancing around in the already crowded bar to Love Shack. Next time this happens I'm going to thrown my beer at you.
-tR
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| So....I am done with finals. I squeezed out a decent grade in each of my classes me thinks.
I had to take an art history class this semester and I hated it. Did you know that the aqueducts that Rome built are considered art? Thats not art! Its outdoor plumbing. Why don't we just call the local water treatment plant a work of art. Thats why I hate art so much. Its so subjective, and I don't think anything so subjective should be fussed over as much as art is. I wonder if it is any coincidence that men named Art are usually plumbers?
Screw you art!
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